October 2?, 1989

I felt like someone was calling me from far away. I felt like something was shaking. I thought I could hear someone talking. I slowly started to wake up just a little. Struggling to open my heavy eyelids at the sound of a voice, a blurry scene faintly appeared before me. It looked like many faces were peering at me. Beyond them, was that a white ceiling? It seemed like I was being moved somewhere while lying down. Whose faces were these? A lot of faces were looking down at me, saying something.

At that moment, I had no awareness that I had been in an accident, nor did I know where I was. I had no awareness of anything—my mind had completely stopped. I would open my heavy eyes for just a moment, and then consciousness would slip away again, and I’d fall back asleep.

I was briefly roused by loud noises. It was just noisy. Unbearably noisy. A constant beeping sound, along with other chaotic noises. Without even realizing it, I somehow knew this was a hospital. Not that I consciously recognized it as a hospital, but it seemed I understood that. I didn’t realize I’d been in an accident either, yet somehow I knew I had been. I wasn’t really thinking about anything, far from being capable of actual thought. It was as if, while I slept, this awareness of my own existence had been imprinted on me. I had no idea what was going on. My hazy consciousness kept distancing me from reality. The only thing I could sense was the noise—it was overwhelming.

I would drift out of consciousness, only to be pulled back by the loud noises. Then I would fade away again, only to be dragged back by the same sounds. In those fleeting moments of consciousness, I could hear someone calling out to me. That voice, too, was loud and intrusive. My fading consciousness brought relief, but I kept being pulled back. I wanted to cry out, “It’s too loud, just let me sleep,” but no voice came out. Over and over, I tried, but each time, I was forced awake by the unbearable noise. Gradually, the persistence of the sound brought back my awareness.

I began to notice that something was wrong with my body. Slowly, with barely functioning thoughts, I realized something was definitely off. Something wasn’t right at all. I was here, but I wasn’t here.

“Someone! Anyone!”

I tried to shout, but no sound came out, just a faint noise from my nose. A nurse noticed and rushed to call the doctor. Soon, the doctor came and began to explain the situation to me.

What happened to me?

The doctor started speaking. He explained that I had been in a severe accident and was brought to the emergency center of this hospital. I had been unconscious for a while. He told me I had broken my neck, and now I was paralyzed from the chest down…

I half-listened to the doctor’s words, barely comprehending, as I struggled to stay conscious. I drifted off to sleep again.

In and out of consciousness, the sound of beeping and the surrounding noises kept bringing me back. Little by little, my awareness returned. I felt more alert than before, but still, something was off. No, everything was wrong. Am I really me? Who am I? Am I alive? Am I dead? Who is this here?

…Something’s wrong. I can’t speak normally. I can’t move my head. I don’t have legs. I don’t have a waist. I don’t have a stomach. My neck can’t move. My head feels like it’s tightly fixed in place. No, there’s something metallic sticking into my head. I have arms, barely, but they won’t move. Everything from my chest down is gone. Someone! Anyone! What happened to me? Someone! Anyone! What has become of me? Doctor, what happened to me…

I tried to ask the doctor about my condition again, but tubes were coming out of my mouth and nose, making it impossible to speak clearly. The nurse somehow understood me and explained the situation.

Was I in an accident? That much I could vaguely understand.
My neck was broken, and they had to keep it fixed in place? My body was paralyzed?
There were injuries all over my body?
What does that even mean?

Paralyzed? But I don’t have legs! I don’t have a waist!

The nurse lifted my leg to show me it was still there, but I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t even feel her touching it. Was I just seeing the shadow of my leg? My legs were covered in IV drips and wires from various instruments, but what on earth had happened to me?

None of it made sense. No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t understand any of it. Exhausted, my consciousness faded once more…

The noises around me were overwhelming. The sound of the instruments attached to me, the sounds from the other patients, all the noise… Being unable to move at all was driving me insane. I screamed. Then, perhaps they gave me a sedative, as I was injected with something, and I fell asleep once again.